Abuse in Athens: Interview with Katie Edwards - Counselor and Graduate Student

Katie Edwards, a graduate student in clinical psychology, spoke to me about local women in unhealthy relationships, on the evening of May 27^th. Her research and clinical work are centered on that topic. Her master’s thesis s analyzed women’s stay/leave decisions in abusive relationships and she counsels the women of Ohio University and Appalachia.

Based on her thesis findings, at this current time the majority of women, at Ohio University, are or have been in a verbally abusive relationship; approximately 11 percent are in a physically abusive relationship and approximately 25 percent are in a relationship where there has been at least one incident of sexual abuse.

I asked Edwards if she saw patterns in how an abusive relationship begins. Most women believed their partner was a good guy, she said. That is because the abuse does not often start on the first date; rather there are cycles of violence.

Different Situations

As a counselor at OU and My Sister’s Place, a local shelter for battered women, she provided insight on varying types of abusive relationships. There are differing elements to the relationships that result from one’s circumstances.

Women at My Sister’s Place cannot just walk away from their abuser. There are ties to him, such as economic dependency, children and cultural factors which, do not permit them to just leave.

When a person arrives at the shelter, it is usually because they are facing immediate danger; intimate partner violence can be lethal. Many women come to the shelter after the police have been called to their house or after they have been admitted to the hospital.

College women are usually not facing the same situations because they generally have greater access to resources. Also, the students come from different backgrounds, so each person's story is unique. Edwards has noticed that many of the students try to normalize their relationship with excuses of “he was drunk” or “this is how dating is.”

The students often do not come into her office for help with abuse. It is common that for students in abusive relationships or who have been in abusive relationships to seek help for or their studies, and overtime they begin to ask questions about abuse. Edwards has counseled students who have left an abusive relationship and are concerned with their relationship patterns.

The Man

I was curious about the perpetrator—does he know what he is doing? Is he consciously aware that he is mentally and physically harming someone?

Edwards works primarily with women, however, in regards to college men, she discussed research which suggests that the majority of college men do not consider themselves to be abusive. She notes that a lot of college men do not view their actions as assault. They label it as just a “miscommunication.”

Growing a Culture of Abuse

We than discussed how the college atmosphere of excessive partying and drinking along with the hyper masculine image of the male, stimulates a campus party culture where it is okay to disrespect women. I say excessive because I believe that those activities are okay in moderation; however, in my opinion it seems that in general the college party scene reveres this attitude of “do what makes you feel good,” without regard for others. That is selfish.

Culture has an impact on how a society views abuse. For example, in Appalachia the family is seen as a private institution. Edwards has to be sensitive to the culture so that her counseling confused for her imposing her own values.

Edwards advised that there are predictors of an abuser: low empathy, inflated ego, a sense of entitlement and narcissism. She pointed out that men who have more consensual partners are more likely to be abusers; sex partners and sexual abuse are positively correlated.

Advice

Many women that speak to her about their situations are ambivalent about what to do. Edwards does not try to convince her clients to leave the relationship; she merely gives them a space to be safe and makes them aware of their options. “These women have had all their power taken away from them,” she said. Her objective is to empower them to do what is best for them.

Since the women in the shelter are in complicated situations, they often stay with their abuser. Edwards provides those women with tools and information that they can use to protect themselves if violence escalates.

She has them think about what happens before the violence starts; by knowing the abuser’s patterns they may be able to avoid a confrontation. For example, “if he is in a room with weapons, do not go in the room,” she said. Code words are also used to let a friend know that they may be in danger.

If a person has a friend who is a victim of abuse, it is important not to let that person feel judgment or that they are being told what to do. “The worst thing is to be an authoritative person . . . these women have already had something taken from them,” Edwards advised. Instead express genuine concern for that person. Ask them if they are okay. Simply, be a friend.

Advice to those OU students that are dating, “remember that you are young so take things slow,” she said. Be aware of how he treats you. Look for the way he talks to you and how he treats female friends. Pay attention to what he notices about you and what he does not notice about you. How does he handle conflicts? Does he drink all the time?

Also, what is his reputation in terms of dating? Has he had a lot of sexual partners? Know his attitudes towards woman. Do things in a group until you know him better. If you know you are going out and will be drinking a lot of alcohol, have a buddy system, where a friend walks you home instead of him.

Men, We Need Your Help

Edwards encourages men to be an ally to women. “If you see a guy making a sexist joke, crude remark, or shoving his girlfriend in public, do not be silent . . .we need you as examples,” she said. Studies have shown that men are more likely to take advice when it is given from another man. “Guys listen more to other guys rather than girls,” she said.

In MY Opinion

Overall, I learned from this interview that one cannot prescribe an easy solution to a woman who is in an abusive relationship. In the end the woman must decide the decisions in her life.

In order to survive abuse, they may need to gain back control of their lives and know that there is life after an abusive relationship. As Edwards said, they need a safe place. I think they need to know that their family and friends will support them in all their decisions and they will be there when they need them.

A Story of Strength

Megan Stone facilitated an honest discussion about verbal abuse at the Women’s Center Brown Bag Lunch, “Verbal Abuse: So, I haven’t been hit?” on April 18^th.

Stone told graduate students about her relationship with a man during college that began pleasantly, but eventually turned verbally abusive. Susanne B. Dietzel, the Women’s Center Director spoke occasionally, providing encouragement for Stone as well as information on why abuse occurs.

“I was a softball player and he was a baseball player . . . it was perfect he swept me off my feet,” Stone described the beginning of the relationship. But after the honeymoon period, little by little her boyfriend began to plant negative seeds in her head that controlled her actions.

Skirt = Slut???

He would repeatedly call her an alcoholic and a slut. “He kept calling me that because I liked to go out with my friends . . . I knew I wasn’t but after him saying it over and over again, sometimes you look in the mirror and you’re like am I,” Stone said. He trained her to think that only sluts wore skirts and went to the bar.

Shortly after she ended the relationship she did go to the bar in a skirt with her friends. But because of the power he had over her, she became uncomfortably conscious of where she was and what she was wearing. “I was completely shaking in fear . . . it was trained in my mind,” she said.

Why did she stay? She stayed because she wanted to help him. She felt it was her duty to help him find the right path. Also she felt that deep down he was a good person and so was she. It was not until she picked up a pamphlet that discussed the signs of an unhealthy relationship, that she realized she was being verbally abused. At that point she knew she had to get out of the relationship.

Susanne Dietzel explained that women are socialized to stay in a relationship and to help men with their problems, sometimes neglecting themselves. So a woman needs to “deprogram [herself] and actually say I need to take care of myself, it is not my job to take care of him,” Dietzel said.

Stone outlined signs of abuse, relating the events in her relationship as examples.

Looking back, she sees how he slowly isolated her from her family and friends. He made her feel that her family was the enemy and he was the only one who truly understood her. She began to make him the priority of her life.

He would also display his temper to intimidate her. One time they got in a fight and he punched the wall so hard that it left a mark. The message sent was clear to her —“you’re next.” Later in the relationship he would swing at her.

She confessed that she eventually became jealous. “I became this person I did not even know who I was anymore,” she said.

He became so good at lying that she did not know who or what to believe. He had a wonderful way of knowing what to say to persuade her.

Anytime they had a fight, he would always try to keep her in the relationship. “It was all about sucking me back in,” she said. Sometimes he would come crying back to her, begging her to stay with him. He even went so far as to give her a promise ring to make her stay.

Love is blind. She did not realize that in the relationship she had lost herself to him. Once the reality of the relations became clear to her, she feared leaving the relationship. She had lost her friends, and her emotions were in the palm of his hand.

“There is a sadness and depression factor. You really don’t have your emotions. He had everything,” she described how she contemplated what would happen to her once she left the relationship.

In order to get out of the relationship you really have to cut off all ties. Because her Ex kept trying to come back into her life she had to take steps to ensure he could not contact her, such as changing phone numbers.

People who attended asked Megan if she thought he would have changed. No, she said he would not have changed.

It was brave of her to discuss her relationship and to realize that her life is better without the relationship. “If I would have stayed with him, he would have ruined my life,” she said.

For more information on the Women’s Center at Ohio University visit their Web site:
http://www.ohio.edu/womenscenter/

The Excuse Factor

We have all done it - - made excuses for that someone else. Whether it was something they said or did, you try and cover it by looking the other way. Some try to convince themselves that what really just happened has a good explanation - -the excuse.

Listen to that voice inside. You know which one I am talking about. It is the voice that you push to the back of your mind when it says, “Hmmm . . . I don’t think everything is adding up here.” Do not let the excuse -- the one you created to deal with the one he created -- cover up your voice.

“No you heard me wrong. What I said was . . . ” or “I was just kidding when I called you those names,” are some of the excuses he may use in the beginning to pardon his behavior. The best excuse of them all “You’re just jealous.”

When a guy purposely flirts with other girls in front of his girlfriend, he is not respecting her and this could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. I am not talking about the occasional checking out or talking to the opposite sex. This is natural for both men and women. What is not natural is when he does this intentionally with blatant disregard for his girlfriend’s feelings.

Natasha and Nito—Warning Signs
**The names of those involved in this story have been changed**

One of my friends, Natasha dated a guy called Nito. From the stories she told me, Nito had minimal respect for her and himself. He brought Natasha to his friends’ going away party. His friends were all girls. Natasha knew no one and he did not bother to make sure she was comfortable.

At one point in the party he actually grabbed Natasha’s arm and just started to twist it until she begged him to stop. He did this in front of everyone.

For most of the party he sat next to a specific girl and spoke to her the whole night. He eventually called Natasha over and asked her if she wanted a drink. She thought he was being polite. When she walked over he began to laugh at her. With the girl watching, he smirked poured the drink and then gulped it down himself. Laughing he told Natasha she could get her own.

Natasha was fuming. She knew if she pulled the same stunt he would be hurt.

About an hour later, everyone was posing for pictures. Natasha did not want to participate, but because it was his friends she complied.

Nito and his girl friend were standing near Natasha. Someone offered to take a picture. Nito shoved Natasha out of the way. “I just want a picture with her,” he said. “I was so upset, but I couldn’t believe this was my boyfriend. He didn’t treat me like this when we were alone,” Natasha said.

Natasha left the apartment. He chased after her. While he had her cornered in the stairwell, he began to shout at her and blame her for the scene she caused. Natasha told me she was frozen and did not know what to think. She was embarrassed. She believed that she was causing a scene in front of people she did not know.

But I think it was Nito who was making the scene. With anger and desperation he punched the wall next to her and shouted “what do you want from me? Blood?!”

His excuse for that incident, “I was just joking about the drink and you spoke to other people the whole night,” he said. Of course she did. What else was she supposed to do? But I think he expected her to just sit in the corner while he had all the fun. I do not think he made an excuse about the wall punching, but the message was clear—you are next. Natasha would soon feel the weight of his hand, in another incident that involved him being disloyal.

What was Natasha’s excuse for this? She felt that she could be a little jealous and maybe he was just joking around. Besides she had guy friends also. The arm twisting—again he was just joking around. She thought maybe she was not giving him enough space, since it was his friends going away party. Later she told me she realized that she did have guy friends, but in this relationship she never saw them.

OU's Take Back The Night

On April 19^th Ohio University held the 30^th annual Take Back the Night March and Rally. Speakers included distinguished women of Athens.

Sally Neidhrad, Student Senate women’s affair commissioner, started the event with a speech that encouraged women to “empower” themselves. Later, Susanne Dietzel, the Director of the Women’s Center informed the crowed on the reality of sexual assault. “One out of six women has been in a situation of sexual violence,” she said. Local activist Jan Griesinger was the last person to speak before the march. Her words were powerful. She recognized that abuse is a problem for men and women. “Why are men beating women,” she sincerely asked the crowd.

My favorite part of the night was listening to Title IX, an all women a capella group, sing “Beautiful.”

VIEW THE STORY TOLD IN PICTURES:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/26318327@N07/sets/72157604908467385/show/