Katie Edwards, a graduate student in clinical psychology, spoke to me about local women in unhealthy relationships, on the evening of May 27th. Her research and clinical work are centered on that topic. Her master’s thesis s analyzed women’s stay/leave decisions in abusive relationships and she counsels the women of Ohio University and Appalachia.
Based on her thesis findings, at this current time the majority of women, at Ohio University, are or have been in a verbally abusive relationship; approximately 11 percent are in a physically abusive relationship and approximately 25 percent are in a relationship where there has been at least one incident of sexual abuse.
I asked Edwards if she saw patterns in how an abusive relationship begins. Most women believed their partner was a good guy, she said. That is because the abuse does not often start on the first date; rather there are cycles of violence.
Different Situations
As a counselor at OU and My Sister’s Place, a local shelter for battered women, she provided insight on varying types of abusive relationships. There are differing elements to the relationships that result from one’s circumstances.
Women at My Sister’s Place cannot just walk away from their abuser. There are ties to him, such as economic dependency, children and cultural factors which, do not permit them to just leave.
When a person arrives at the shelter, it is usually because they are facing immediate danger; intimate partner violence can be lethal. Many women come to the shelter after the police have been called to their house or after they have been admitted to the hospital.
College women are usually not facing the same situations because they generally have greater access to resources. Also, the students come from different backgrounds, so each person's story is unique. Edwards has noticed that many of the students try to normalize their relationship with excuses of “he was drunk” or “this is how dating is.”
The students often do not come into her office for help with abuse. It is common that for students in abusive relationships or who have been in abusive relationships to seek help for or their studies, and overtime they begin to ask questions about abuse. Edwards has counseled students who have left an abusive relationship and are concerned with their relationship patterns.
The Man
I was curious about the perpetrator—does he know what he is doing? Is he consciously aware that he is mentally and physically harming someone?
Edwards works primarily with women, however, in regards to college men, she discussed research which suggests that the majority of college men do not consider themselves to be abusive. She notes that a lot of college men do not view their actions as assault. They label it as just a “miscommunication.”
Growing a Culture of Abuse
We than discussed how the college atmosphere of excessive partying and drinking along with the hyper masculine image of the male, stimulates a campus party culture where it is okay to disrespect women. I say excessive because I believe that those activities are okay in moderation; however, in my opinion it seems that in general the college party scene reveres this attitude of “do what makes you feel good,” without regard for others. That is selfish.
Culture has an impact on how a society views abuse. For example, in Appalachia the family is seen as a private institution. Edwards has to be sensitive to the culture so that her counseling confused for her imposing her own values.
Edwards advised that there are predictors of an abuser: low empathy, inflated ego, a sense of entitlement and narcissism. She pointed out that men who have more consensual partners are more likely to be abusers; sex partners and sexual abuse are positively correlated.
Advice
Many women that speak to her about their situations are ambivalent about what to do. Edwards does not try to convince her clients to leave the relationship; she merely gives them a space to be safe and makes them aware of their options. “These women have had all their power taken away from them,” she said. Her objective is to empower them to do what is best for them.
Since the women in the shelter are in complicated situations, they often stay with their abuser. Edwards provides those women with tools and information that they can use to protect themselves if violence escalates.
She has them think about what happens before the violence starts; by knowing the abuser’s patterns they may be able to avoid a confrontation. For example, “if he is in a room with weapons, do not go in the room,” she said. Code words are also used to let a friend know that they may be in danger.
If a person has a friend who is a victim of abuse, it is important not to let that person feel judgment or that they are being told what to do. “The worst thing is to be an authoritative person . . . these women have already had something taken from them,” Edwards advised. Instead express genuine concern for that person. Ask them if they are okay. Simply, be a friend.
Advice to those OU students that are dating, “remember that you are young so take things slow,” she said. Be aware of how he treats you. Look for the way he talks to you and how he treats female friends. Pay attention to what he notices about you and what he does not notice about you. How does he handle conflicts? Does he drink all the time?
Also, what is his reputation in terms of dating? Has he had a lot of sexual partners? Know his attitudes towards woman. Do things in a group until you know him better. If you know you are going out and will be drinking a lot of alcohol, have a buddy system, where a friend walks you home instead of him.
Men, We Need Your Help
Edwards encourages men to be an ally to women. “If you see a guy making a sexist joke, crude remark, or shoving his girlfriend in public, do not be silent . . .we need you as examples,” she said. Studies have shown that men are more likely to take advice when it is given from another man. “Guys listen more to other guys rather than girls,” she said.
In MY Opinion
Overall, I learned from this interview that one cannot prescribe an easy solution to a woman who is in an abusive relationship. In the end the woman must decide the decisions in her life.
In order to survive abuse, they may need to gain back control of their lives and know that there is life after an abusive relationship. As Edwards said, they need a safe place. I think they need to know that their family and friends will support them in all their decisions and they will be there when they need them.
